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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Countercolumn News Ticker 
Breaking News!

Al Qaeda offering rebates to ransomed hostages ...


Dateline: Irbil, Iraq - (CNT) Al Qaeda unveiled a massive marketing campaign today designed to spread the word about a new hostage ransom rebate program. The rebates are designed to encourage Germans and other citizens of spineless, equivocating nations to vacation in violent areas and make themselves vulnerable to kidnap and ransom efforts.

In exchange, Al Qaeda is offering cash rebates of up to 1/3 of the ransom price to any hostages successfully ransomed under the program.

"It's just our way of saying "Thanks" to all the nations who, by looking the other way for so long, have made all our successes possible to this point," said Abu Musab al Zarqawi, President and CEO of Al Qaeda's Iraq division in a statement. "We're very excited to be able to make this offer, which we believe will be competitive with anything offered by any of our competitors in the terrorist industry."

Early demand has been strong, with hundreds of morons signing up for vacations in the Sahara, hoping for a chance to take advantage of the offer. A lucky German diplomat has already gone missing in Yemen.

Former hostages Nick Berg, Kenneth Bigley, Kim Sun-Il, Paul Johnson, Daniel Pearl, and Margaret Hassan did not return repeated phone calls seeking comment.

Developing

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